“Your Child Isn’t Misbehaving—They’re Missing Skills”

Your Child Isn’t Bad—They’re Still Developing

When we shift our understanding of a child’s behavior from “good vs. bad” to “skilled vs. still learning,” everything changes.

Rather than labeling your toddler as defiant or manipulative, consider this: their behavior is a reflection of their current skill set paired with their developmental stage—not their character.

If This Sounds Absurd, It’s Because It Is

Imagine saying:

“My one-year-old just won’t walk. I’ve popped him, given him a timeout, lectured him… but he keeps crawling!”

Or:

“My four-month-old refuses to talk. I keep saying ‘Use your words,’ but he just babbles.”

It sounds ridiculous, right? That’s because we understand the developmental timeline for walking and talking. We know those milestones are reached through observation, experimentation, and time—not pressure or punishment.

So why don’t we apply that same developmental grace to emotional skills?

Hitting Isn’t “Bad”—It’s a Lack of Emotional Regulation

A toddler who hits isn’t a bad kid. They’re simply missing the skills of impulse control and emotional regulation—skills that even many adults struggle with.

Saying “I told them a million times!” doesn’t override development. Kids don’t instantly internalize complex emotional coping mechanisms just because we explain it.

Instead of labeling or punishing:

  • Protect them and others (by holding hands, moving them away, etc.)

  • Validate their emotions: “You look so upset,” or “That would frustrate me too.”

  • Teach new behaviors: “Instead of hitting, you can say ‘I’m not done with that toy.’”

It’s a Process, Not a Switch

Learning to regulate emotions is like learning to walk—it’s awkward, uncoordinated, and inconsistent at first. Some days your child might manage beautifully. Other days, they’ll fall back on old habits.

That doesn’t mean they’re not learning. It means they’re developing.

What About You?

If your only response to big behavior is to hit, yell, or punish, that doesn’t make you a bad parent. It means you might be struggling with the same skills your child is developing: regulation, self-awareness, patience.

This work isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress, understanding, and compassion—for your child and yourself.